Perhaps this needs explaining, this is a conversation, via IM session i had with my lovely Sammy-J. I adore her, she’s so smart, and funny and gets my sense of humor, we talk about everything. We were inpatient together for 5 weeks, so we got really close, some of the things we talk about are personal, but her ID is personal and private. Any how, i hope you read this, and you just think that we are two crazy chicks who are still trying to figure out life. We are around the same age, and life is very hard for the both of us, but we manage to get through it with love and humor. So here is a conversation i had with my Samster…
Krystle:
SAM?
i know you are there…please answer
12:45am Sam
hey!
12:45amKrystle
hey
how are you? i just worry so about my Sammy j
12:46am Sam
no need to worry! I’m just naturally very reclusive… I am VERY socially phobic, and i work a ton. I miss you, and think about you every day.
how are you?
12:47amKrystle
i’m good..for the most part. leaving tuesday for minnesota..and then will be right back
12:47am Sam
What
is in minnesota?
12:47amKrystle
lol..some old friends
like my second family
gonna spend thanksgiving with them
if you are in town, do you want to come to my place for Christmas?
12:50amKrystle
or atleast let me see you?
12:51am Sam
I’m away for thanksgiving, but back the rest of the year!
I would love to see you, truly.
12:51amKrystle
cool…
promise me you will try?
12:51am Sam
I had kinda hoped to see u this weekend. do u hang w/ Melissa much?
12:51amKrystle
i don’t really hang with Melissa
but she asked me if i wanted to with you and her
and i would do anything to see you sam
12:52am Sam
Lol- well, u don’t have to do much. I have my own apartment since mike move out.
12:52amKrystle
yeah..how is that going?
12:53amSam
we can hang here w/o anyone bothering us, readily available takeout and Comcast OnDemand.
It’s incredibly tough without Mike.
I really, really love him.
12:54amKrystle
why did you break up?
12:54amSam
my fault. i hadn’t been totally honest with him in the beginning of our relationship, and i hid the truth rather than admitted i’d lied
12:55amKrystle
what do you mean?
12:55amSam
I told him a lie about a year ago that I never had the guts to correct once we started dating.
12:55amKrystle
oh…is it about your trauma?
or just you know..a lie
12:55amSam
It was totally cowardly of me, and hurtful to him. No, not trauma related.
12:56amKrystle
oh
aww..i’m sorry
can’t you just say you are sorry
and ask him to forgive you, and promise from then on that you will be honest
i know i sound stupid by saying that..but i’ve never had a real relationship so i don’t know how it works
12:57amSam
It was a VERY big lie…. as in, very, very not true and not something most people would lie about. unfortunately, trust was broken, so everything gets called into question. and he wonders whether i’m manipulative (because there was a manipulative reason for the lie, initially)
12:57amKrystle
oh
12:58amSam
i didn’t mean to hurt him…. I was trying to make myself sound better than I am.
12:58amKrystle
but Sam you are amazing…
no matter what you say, you are amazing, you are beautiful, and one of the smartest people i know
12:59amSam
But it did hurt him, and, yeah…. like I said, broken trust, and everything else called into question. If it were just the one lie, he would be okay. It’s the one lie, plus the possibilty of other lies, plus the fear that i’m just manipulating him and I don’t love him…….
It’s all madness! I wish i could undo it all…. i love him so, so much…. and I could have spent the rest of my life with him.
(don’t i sound like a ball o’ girly cheese)
12:59amKrystle
a bit

1:00amSam
Thank you for saying those things, Krystle
1:00amKrystle
don’t thank me. because its all true
1:00amSam
Particularly after hearing so many bad things from mike, that makes me feel a lot better about myself.
How are you doing?
1:00amKrystle
i am okay
my therapist is away on maternity leave for 2 months
1:01amSam
are you excited to go to MN? nervous?
1:01amKrystle
that sucks because i adored her, and its tough without her
but i am thrilled to be going to minnesota
1:01amSam
it sounded like she adores u too
1:01amKrystle
i haven’t seen these people in like 6 years
1:01amSam
WOW!
did u grow up there?
1:01amKrystle
hell no
i grew up in Salisbury
new jersey borm
born*
1:02amSam
atta girl

1:02amKrystle
but i do get to see my friends..i haven’t had a vacation in years
except when i go inpatient and we both know how much of a vacation that is
1:03amSam
yay! bring a stuffed friend….
1:03amKrystle
i have Lylac
she goes everywhere
1:03amSam
GOOD.
that is key.,
Is ur therapist having a boy or girl?
1:03amKrystle
boy
i was hoping she would have a boy
i wanted to be her favorite girl..
i dunno why
but i did
she’s in her late 30’s so it was now or never she said
1:04amSam
i was thinking the same thing. makes sense.
the girl thing, not the 30s thing
1:04amKrystle
yeah
1:04amSam

1:04amKrystle
lol
she just got married like 2 years ago
or now 3
1:05amSam
do u still talk to her at all?
1:05amKrystle
i can’t
not while shes on maternity leave
1:05amSam
oh….
1:05amKrystle
i promised her i wouldn’t call
or text
1:05amSam
wh did u have to promise that?
1:05amKrystle
but she called my cell phone on our last session and left me a voice mail
its like when your therapist goes on vacation…they are “unavailable”
1:06amSam
ah. that’s a long time, though. how are u adjusting?
1:06amKrystle
i am seeing another therapist
1:06amSam
someone u’ve seen before?
1:06amKrystle
i did DBT with her
1:06amSam
is she good?
1:06amKrystle
a group for 6 months with this other therapist
1:06amSam
do u like her?
1:06amKrystle
i am not sure
i like her..but its cus i know her
but its awkward
i don’t have too much to say to her, cus i don’t want her to you know…know me
1:07amSam
LOL- heaven forbid a therapist get to know you!
1:07amKrystle
lol
tru dat
1:08amSam
but i understand; it feels temporary
1:08amKrystle
i’m just..so guarded..and when i’m with my real therapist..im not
i even cry sometimes..in front of her
and..i let her hug me on our last session…
1:09amSam
Lol- even look at the word you use, htough! “real” therapist. If you don’t see this woman as anything but a space-filler(a “fake” therapist…), of course u can’t talk to her.
I’m glad she hugged you!!!!!!!! that’s huge!
1:09amKrystle
it was weird but mostly cus she was pregnant and her tummy was hard and poking
1:09amSam
maybe u should try for a non-pregnant hug when she gets back!
1:10amKrystle
maybe..but i’ve got a list of questions
you know..about the birth
specifically..the mucus plugg
1:10amSam
awesome…. what’s the question? and why do u have the question?
1:11amKrystle
i dunno..i think i have questions mostly because it annoys her when i ask her personal questions, and specifically about the mucus plug because for the past 3 months i’ve asked her if she started loosing it
like every session, i’ve brought up her mucus plug, not that i know what it is..but i’m sure its really yucky and gross
1:13amSam
LOL- there’s got to be something to that….
1:13amKrystle
she also said she MIGHT let me see a picture of her kid..i told her i didn’t want to see one until you know..the kid wasn’t looking all gross and slimey
1:13amSam
good call.
does she have a name?
1:13amKrystle
because most babies are pretty ugly the first couple of weeks
she wouldn’t tell me the name..she didn’t tell anyone
except Rob..thats her husbands name
and her parents and his parents
thats all who knows the names
1:16amSam
that must be hard
1:16amKrystle
it is a bit
but i haven’t self harmed
it’ll be a year in January
1:17amSam
that’s great! that’s very, very strong of you, and very selfless (I know u try for her sake, too). When I miss mike, i write to him in a notebook. separate from my journal… it helps me.
1:18amKrystle
yeah..i have a blog..one specifically for my therapist while she is away
1:18amSam
that’s great!
1:18amKrystle
i wish you could get back with Mike
i mean if you love him, and you mean it
atleast one of us was getting some
1:19amSam
I do… and I I realized with him that i ahd NO idea what love was, before. It really is an amazing feeling. i don’t believe it’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but why bother doing it twice? He was a great partner, friend, and LOL- hells yeah. that too.
1:19amKrystle
lol
yep
i aint getting none
and Kristie she has a boyfriend now
1:20amSam
Jason, right?
Justin
1:20amKrystle
Justin
1:20amSam
how is that?
1:20amKrystle
he’s a tattoo artist
i don’t really know, i’ve stopped asking questions
1:20amSam
I saw a picture of him
1:21amKrystle
yeah. he’s not bad looking..but he’s so like gangstah
1:21amSam
Do they have a real relationship now? like, official “boyfriend and girlfriend”?
1:21amKrystle
all tatted up and stuff
yes she is living with him
in idaho, or oregon..or something like that
1:22amSam
yea, i know…. weird. i hope that works out well forher. lol- i thought it was indiana or illinois.
1:22amKrystle
yeah something like that
Indian is it
i don’t really know whats going on
i mean she acts like she’s against all kinds of touching and stuff
but now she’s living with this guy
1:23amSam
i heard about her first trip, but i was SHOCKED when she said she was moving there!
hm.
1:23amKrystle
yes
i just..i was really angry to be honest
i mean she barely knows him
1:24amSam
i’ve found that a lot of guys are very sensitive about it… at least in theory. and if it leads to problems, it’s more about a weird sort of unconscious jealousy OR the symptoms.
Yea… she needed a change of scenery?
1:24amKrystle
but i dunno..they’d been talking for awhile..he has a kid
1:24amSam
!!!!!
?????
1:24amKrystle
yeah..Ethan
thats his kids name
1:25amSam
how old?
1:25amKrystle
he’s looks about 6 or 7
Kristie sent me a picture of him
because they got him a gift because he was good in school that week
1:25amSam
wow. and is his mom in the picture?
1:25amKrystle
i don’t know
1:26amSam
I know how close u and kristie are… this must be very strange for you
1:26amKrystle
honestly..we aren’t that cose
close
i mean we are friends, but she never tells me anything
she tells me she loves me all the time
1:26amSam
she speaks very highly of you…
yeah
1:26amKrystle
and asks me to pray for her about specific things
yeah..
1:27amSam
hm. well, that sounds all very mysterious to me.
1:27amKrystle
yeah
i dunno…i don’t ask her many questions, and i try to support her in whatever she decides
1:28amSam
and she said she would have to be back before christmas, which is even weirder if she nt to be his girlfriend. Whatever the heck that’s all about, I’m sure it will help her grow and be a great experience. so i’m confused, but happy for her.
How’s stuff more locally…. ie, in your house?
1:28amKrystle
well she is moving into her own apartment when she comes back
that what she told me
because her house is really crazy and they maker her crazy
1:29amSam
and YOUR house? how
’s that?
1:29amKrystle
She’s not moving to my house
She is moving to her own place
an apartment she said
1:29amSam
LOL. not my question.
I”m asking about you now, silly!
1:30amKrystle
OH..my house is like it always is
just my mum and me
it’s quiet here
1:30amSam
is she doing better than she was?
1:30amKrystle
sometimes my god daughter comes and spend the weekends and then it’s crazy
honestly Sam, i don’t think she is doing all that well
she gained weight which is great, but i think they minute she lives on her own…she’ll start the ED again
1:32amSam
when would she live on her own?
1:32amKrystle
when she comes back
she said she is moving out of her parents house
1:32amSam
oh…. ED’s are VERY VERY hard to control alone.
1:33amKrystle
yes i know
thats why i know her living a lone won’t be okay..i mean i want it to..but i worry
1:33amSam
(here again, iam referring to mike. i ate NORMALLY around him!i’m having a hard time)
1:33amKrystle
yeah?
i eat normally all the time with my mom
but when she is depressed
and not paying attention
i go days without eating..she doesn’t notice.
1:34amSam
i just notice it more when he’s gone. I think more about food, and have urges to binge that would have been out of the question when he was here. I’ve been good so far, but it’s rough. I’ve never been a faster

can’t do it.
1:35amKrystle
i am a faster..but i also binge too
i used to be really really thin
but my meds..keep me hefty
i have Fibromyalgia
1:35amSam
fibromyalgia? for how long has that been diagnosed?
1:35amKrystle
so i take all sorts of crap for that, plus vitamins cus i have a vitamin d defficience
1:36amSam
what do u take?
1:36amKrystle
gosh..like 13 pills at night..i can’t really name them all
2 muscle relaxers though
vitamins
lexapro, trileptal, something for my bladder
i have an over active bladder
1:37amSam
WOW!!!!!
1:37amKrystle
prozosin
1:37amSam
i can barely take one!
1:37amKrystle
yeah i take like 12 pills every night
i feel like a cancer patient
1:38amSam
prazasin that messed w/ my blood pressure
1:38amKrystle
yeah it’s supposed to
1:38amSam
i started passing out, though
1:38amKrystle
i am using it to help with sleep and nightmares
i have really really good blood pressure
1:39amSam
that’s why they prescribed it for me, but the side effects…. meds affect me more with side effects than what they’re supposed to do!
i hate meds
1:39amKrystle
i see my regular doctor every month, and my psych doctor every month too
yeah i hate meds too..
if i didn’t have to take them..i wouldnt
but a lot of meds make me go manic
1:40amSam
!
that’s no good!
when’s the last time u were manic?
1:40amKrystle
last year i think
last time i was inpatient
i didn’t sleep for 7 days straight
start hallucinating
abilify
thats what started it
Lithium makes me vomit all day
1:41amSam
abilify doesn’t affect anyone i know well
so what are you on?
1:42amKrystle
Lexapro, Trileptal, Prozosin, Klonapin
2 lexapros, 3 trileptals, 3 prozosin, and 2 klonapins
2 flexerils
1 vitamin d
1 over all vitamin
1 bladder pill
1:44amSam
but nothing for mania?
1:44amKrystle
nope
i was on the lithium for that
and it made me vomit
my dr..wanted to minimize my meds
and my OCD behavior got really really bad
1:44amSam
that makes sense…
1:45amKrystle
i have rituals
they take up time
hours sometimes
and my dr wanted to help me with that
because i would get anxiety attacks if i didn’t do it right
1:46amSam
did u try just the lexapro and, just as a prn when u get anxious or obsessive, klonopin?
1:46amKrystle
we’ve done all sorts of mixes
right now i’ve been the best on what i’m on
1:47amSam
I’m so sorry…. rituals and obsessive thinking, what little experience I’ve had with them… they completely take over.
1:47amKrystle
yes they do
1:47amSam
it can make you feelso helpless
1:47amKrystle
a lot of them revolve around my self injury
so we had to minmize it and calm the thoughts
it really helped when i could send my therapist a text when i needed to
1:48amSam
then it really is amazing that you’ve abstained from self-harm for so long!
1:48amKrystle
yes
in January..if i don’t SI, when my therapist gets back..we are going ot have cupcakes
to celibrate
1:49amSam
wow, krystle. I’m really, really impressed. i mean it. i know that things are still very hard, and i’m sure you don’t always feel it, but you’re doing some amazing things.
I think you and i should make practice (lol-not binge…. just happy) brownies or something
1:49amKrystle
lol
i’m down for the happy brownies
if i lived in Salisbury i’d know where to get some
1:50amSam
?
1:50amKrystle
here in Baltimore i work on not making eye contact
i can’t take complete credit, i’ve had help from my therapist
a lot of help
and my mom
she’s been helpful too..mostly at night
1:51amSam
not making contact?
1:51amKrystle
yeah i don’t make eye contact with anyone
well not as of lately
1:52amSam
so they help you make eye contact MORE. i get it.
why do u think you have trouble with it?
1:52amKrystle
i am not sure
i get anxious, and sometimes paranoid
i’ve this thing with eyes
1:53amSam
I have trouble being in front of people because I become aware that they can see me… that they are looking at me. Feeling physically present and looked-at makes me self-conscious. Maybe they’re related?
1:53amKrystle
i guess..i am not sure
i think sometimes for me, its because it’s the only thing about my dad i can really remember
his eyes
and they seem to be the one that abused me and not him
or his body
but his eyes, i always felt like they were watching me, undressing me..etc….
so i guess i just avoid all eyes
1:56amSam
…. I used to look at my grandfather’s eyebrows; he couldn’t tell the difference between my looking at his eyebrows or eyes, and his eyes just made me feel everything much more.
yuck.
1:56amKrystle
yeah…
it is yucky
you know whats really bad
1:56amSam
?
1:56amKrystle
is my dad’s wife..my old mom..she lives like 15 minutes away from me now
she moved up here
1:57amSam
what?? when???
1:57amKrystle
a couple of weeks ago
she moved in with my sister
her real daughter
1:57amSam
right. do you ever see your sister?
1:57amKrystle
i did..all the time
we were finally starting to like bond
1:58amSam
your old mom… she knew, didn’t she
1:58amKrystle
i had finally told her about what her dad did to me
yes she knew
she still won’t admit it
when i am around her i am 7 years old again
1:58amSam
are you staying away from her?
1:58amKrystle
i am trying
she makes me…she makes me want to die
1:59amSam
you need to stay away from her, Krystle
1:59amKrystle
i am trying
i don’t visit my sister anymore
and i don’t get to see my niece or nephew anymore
i missed there birthdays this year because of her
2:00amSam
I believe that you are. are you journaling about your feelings towards her? or talking about it in therapy?
2:00amKrystle
not as of lately
not since my therapist is away…and i mostly try not to think about her if i can help it
she used to lock me in the basement
parts can’t handle taht
the intense fear we have
i keep telling myself i’m not afraid of her anymore
sometimes it works
2:02amSam
that’s horrible… i’m so sorry. Are you angry?
2:02amKrystle
i don’t get angry very often
2:03amSam
me neither….
I’ve always been told that anger and indignation are the best antidotes to fear, though.
2:03amKrystle
yeah
2:03amSam
that’s what Dr. L says….
2:03amKrystle
i guess..i don’t feel much of anything lately
i try not to
2:04amSam
hm… always a good strategy

2:04amKrystle
it’s weird because everyone around me seems to have enough anger about it for me
secretly…
i still have a strong sense of duty and loyalty to her
2:05amSam
:;sigh:: abuse does that

2:05amKrystle
yeah…
she asked to borrow money from me
i couldn’t say no but i never told anyone
2:05amSam
!!!!! when?
2:05amKrystle
the thing is..money is really tight in my family
2:05amSam
recently?
2:06amKrystle
like 6 months ago
my mom would kill me if she even knew i still talked to her
i was walking a thin line with talking to my sister
who is constantly borrowing money or asking to use my car, or dumping her kids on me
2:06amSam
money is really tight in every family!
do u think ur sister uses you?
2:06amKrystle
yes
i know she does
i let her
she thinks that i’m stupid
and that i don’t realize it
she thinks that if she pretends to be my friend
she can continue using me
she uses the right words too
she says things like, well we grew up together, and you know how bad things were, and we have to stick together
2:08amSam
…so maybe it’s a good thing for you to get away from her and her mom? even if you miss your neice and nephew? It sounds like your being around them is like, a way to be loyal, like, “everything is SO OKAY that i can behave normally with these people. Nothing happened.”
2:09amKrystle
yes
thats how it is
everyone pretends like nothing happens
before my old mom moved here i went to her old home
and she had like a freaking shrine of my dad up
2:10amSam
that’s exactly the sort of thing therapy is working against!!! and i don’t know if “trigger” quite captures that last one…
2:10amKrystle
and its not that that bothered me..it was that when he was alive she treated him like crap, she belittled him, and castrated him every chance she got
Krystle
and now she acts like they were so in love and he was her everything
they never even slept in the same bed
EVER..and i lved with them for over 10 years
2:12amSam
wow
that’s some f*ed up people you need NOTHING to do with.
2:12amKrystle
yeah i know
i need to protect myself better
2:13amSam
and i know that emotionally, it can’t be that simple… but i WISH it were!
2:13amKrystle
no it can be pretty simple, i just need to walk away
i really do.
i keep trying to put my family back together because i get so lonely
2:14amSam
no….the worst thing is that you get hurt no matter what, and in the short term, familiarity is less scary, even if it means getting hurt. I’ve found, for myself at least, that I put myself in A LOT of bad situations, because part of me is more comfortable there. it’s how I’ve defined myself– by being in danger, being hurt, and when the danger and hurt is gone, i sometimes hurt myself!
or put myself in a bad situation.
2:14amKrystle
and honestly i feel guilty, like i’m the one who tore it apart, but i know it’s not worth salvaging
2:15amSam
when i realized the pattern, i really flipped on myself. It’s been hard to change (another thing to credit to mike, actually)
YOU did nothing wrong.
2:15amKrystle
i know..i can say those things over and over again..but i let my sister walk all over me because they were her parents and i ruined that for her
i broke her family apart..
2:16amSam
they tore each other apart, and it osunds lke you were the only one who kept them together. by being, like, the famiily scapegoat.
Krystle
yes..thats me the scape goat
the one who is always looked over
stepped on
etc…
but my life now, its different
and i wish they would go away, but for some reason i keep bringing them back
2:18amSam
maybe ur still trying to get it right, like that would fix things?
2:18amKrystle
yeah
i do that..its apart of my OCD
i have to keep trying to get things right
i will do it over and over again, until someone in my head says its good enough
2:18amSam
regardless, you’re an AMAZING person.you got that right a long time ago
(it’s cheesy, but true!)
2:19amKrystle
big cheesy grin
oh Sammy J, please don’t go away again..
who will have such intellectual conversations with?
who will use big words and make me look them up online while we are talking so i can understand?
2:20amSam
LOL!

2:20amKrystle
and most of all…who will hand me door stops because they think it’s an egg with a message in it?
2:21amSam
you’ve convinced me.
Dude- i don’t remember any of my most fabulous moments…. apparently…. plus, i was only such a lame-o because i spent all my time with my boyfriend, and i am, alas, boyfriendless, and time-heavy!
2:22amKrystle
YAY..i mean that you will now have time for me..boo for the boyfriendless..and sexless existence you will have now..
2:22amSam
hahahaha- and i never would have guessed that i’d miss THAT part too, but….

2:23amKrystle
lol..hey once you get it regularly..its hard to go back to only getting some every once in awhile
trauma survivors can like sex
2:23amSam
i know! it’s not the same AT ALL
2:23amKrystle
i mean i haven’t gotten there yet..i’m still working on eye contact and you know touch
2:23amSam
are you speaking from experience?
ah
ok
2:23amKrystle
but one of these days i’ll call you and say man i got some and it was the shit
i was screaming to the high heavens…
and i experienced the infamous O
2:25amSam
HAHAHA- it feels great even short of the O!!! and i didn’t believe it, at first, but it takes real attraction to another person. I didn’t feel attraction forever (until mike, i think), so i thought i was gay, or messed up permanently, or i don’t know what
2:25amKrystle
yeah i feel like that lately..like i’m gay or just a sexual or something
2:25amSam
but real mutual attraction can make you feel comfortable, and forget about yourself and just think about them and then OMG SEX IS REALLY AWESOME
hahahahaha
2:25amKrystle
hahaha
that kicks all kind of anti-fungal ass
Samsy, you’ve charted new territory..unswam waters..
2:26amSam
yea, i thought that too. i don’t think that’s it. and don’t EVER kick yourself for not being attracted to someone you think you “should be.” that was a big problem for me.
2:27amKrystle
yeah..i mean i don’t really get that attraction thing
but you know me…i’ve got that “to tough” thing going on
2:27amSam
lol- not quite. me and 99% of adults over 25…..
my FB is crapping out on me.
2:28amKrystle
if you have to go..lemme know..lovers -you sammy j, tell your dad to call me
2:29amSam
oh, i know.
oh, i know.

2:30amKrystle
lol…i’m heading to bed. like i said..i love you, and i mean it. and we are going to be okay..i think we should buy a house and all of us crazy chicks should live in it..
2:30amSam
some guy will melt it.
2:30amKrystle
good luck with that
he better have one of those hand torches
2:31amSam
and he’s the only one who will be worth it.
???
2:31amKrystle
i guess so
honestly i’m looking forward to that
to meeting someone that i can say i love and mean it
Krystle
good night lovey!
2:35amSam
LOL- OMG not cool
2:35amKrystle
you just saw the dad thing didnt you?
i can’t help it if your dad is all hot
i’m just saying…i was in the hospital with all girls..and he was the best looking piece of eye candy i had seen in like 4 weeks
THE END…we both logged off…

