Conversations between Sammy-J and I…

Perhaps this needs explaining, this is a conversation, via IM session i had with my lovely Sammy-J. I adore her, she’s so smart, and funny and gets my sense of humor, we talk about everything. We were inpatient together for 5 weeks, so we got really close, some of the things we talk about are personal, but her ID is personal and private. Any how, i hope you read this, and you just think that we are two crazy chicks who are still trying to figure out life. We are around the same age, and life is very hard for the both of us, but we manage to get through it with love and humor. So here is a conversation i had with my Samster…

Krystle:

SAM?

i know you are there…please answer

12:45am Sam

hey!

12:45amKrystle

hey

how are you? i just worry so about my Sammy j

12:46am Sam

no need to worry! I’m just naturally very reclusive… I am VERY socially phobic, and i work a ton. I miss you, and think about you every day.

how are you?

12:47amKrystle

i’m good..for the most part. leaving tuesday for minnesota..and then will be right back

12:47am Sam

What

is in minnesota?

12:47amKrystle

lol..some old friends

like my second family

gonna spend thanksgiving with them

if you are in town, do you want to come to my place for Christmas?

12:50amKrystle

or atleast let me see you?

12:51am Sam

I’m away for thanksgiving, but back the rest of the year!

I would love to see you, truly.

12:51amKrystle

cool…

promise me you will try?

12:51am Sam

I had kinda hoped to see u this weekend. do u hang w/ Melissa much?

12:51amKrystle

i don’t really hang with Melissa

but she asked me if i wanted to with you and her

and i would do anything to see you sam

12:52am Sam

Lol- well, u don’t have to do much. I have my own apartment since mike move out.

12:52amKrystle

yeah..how is that going?

12:53amSam

we can hang here w/o anyone bothering us, readily available takeout and Comcast OnDemand.

It’s incredibly tough without Mike.

I really, really love him.

12:54amKrystle

why did you break up?

12:54amSam

my fault. i hadn’t been totally honest with him in the beginning of our relationship, and i hid the truth rather than admitted i’d lied

12:55amKrystle

what do you mean?

12:55amSam

I told him a lie about a year ago that I never had the guts to correct once we started dating.

12:55amKrystle

oh…is it about your trauma?

or just you know..a lie

12:55amSam

It was totally cowardly of me, and hurtful to him. No, not trauma related.

12:56amKrystle

oh

aww..i’m sorry

can’t you just say you are sorry

and ask him to forgive you, and promise from then on that you will be honest

i know i sound stupid by saying that..but i’ve never had a real relationship so i don’t know how it works

12:57amSam

It was a VERY big lie…. as in, very, very not true and not something most people would lie about. unfortunately, trust was broken, so everything gets called into question. and he wonders whether i’m manipulative (because there was a manipulative reason for the lie, initially)

12:57amKrystle

oh

12:58amSam

i didn’t mean to hurt him…. I was trying to make myself sound better than I am.

12:58amKrystle

but Sam you are amazing…

no matter what you say, you are amazing, you are beautiful, and one of the smartest people i know

12:59amSam

But it did hurt him, and, yeah…. like I said, broken trust, and everything else called into question. If it were just the one lie, he would be okay. It’s the one lie, plus the possibilty of other lies, plus the fear that i’m just manipulating him and I don’t love him…….

It’s all madness! I wish i could undo it all…. i love him so, so much…. and I could have spent the rest of my life with him.

(don’t i sound like a ball o’ girly cheese)

12:59amKrystle

a bit

1:00amSam

Thank you for saying those things, Krystle

1:00amKrystle

don’t thank me. because its all true

1:00amSam

Particularly after hearing so many bad things from mike, that makes me feel a lot better about myself.

How are you doing?

1:00amKrystle

i am okay

my therapist is away on maternity leave for 2 months

1:01amSam

are you excited to go to MN? nervous?

1:01amKrystle

that sucks because i adored her, and its tough without her

but i am thrilled to be going to minnesota

1:01amSam

it sounded like she adores u too

1:01amKrystle

i haven’t seen these people in like 6 years

1:01amSam

WOW!

did u grow up there?

1:01amKrystle

hell no

i grew up in Salisbury

new jersey borm

born*

1:02amSam

atta girl

1:02amKrystle

but i do get to see my friends..i haven’t had a vacation in years

except when i go inpatient and we both know how much of a vacation that is

1:03amSam

yay! bring a stuffed friend….

1:03amKrystle

i have Lylac

she goes everywhere

1:03amSam

GOOD.

that is key.,

Is ur therapist having a boy or girl?

1:03amKrystle

boy

i was hoping she would have a boy

i wanted to be her favorite girl..

i dunno why

but i did

she’s in her late 30’s so it was now or never she said

1:04amSam

i was thinking the same thing. makes sense.

the girl thing, not the 30s thing

1:04amKrystle

yeah

1:04amSam

1:04amKrystle

lol

she just got married like 2 years ago

or now 3

1:05amSam

do u still talk to her at all?

1:05amKrystle

i can’t

not while shes on maternity leave

1:05amSam

oh….

1:05amKrystle

i promised her i wouldn’t call

or text

1:05amSam

wh did u have to promise that?

1:05amKrystle

but she called my cell phone on our last session and left me a voice mail

its like when your therapist goes on vacation…they are “unavailable”

1:06amSam

ah. that’s a long time, though. how are u adjusting?

1:06amKrystle

i am seeing another therapist

1:06amSam

someone u’ve seen before?

1:06amKrystle

i did DBT with her

1:06amSam

is she good?

1:06amKrystle

a group for 6 months with this other therapist

1:06amSam

do u like her?

1:06amKrystle

i am not sure

i like her..but its cus i know her

but its awkward

i don’t have too much to say to her, cus i don’t want her to you know…know me

1:07amSam

LOL- heaven forbid a therapist get to know you!

1:07amKrystle

lol

tru dat

1:08amSam

but i understand; it feels temporary

1:08amKrystle

i’m just..so guarded..and when i’m with my real therapist..im not

i even cry sometimes..in front of her

and..i let her hug me on our last session…

1:09amSam

Lol- even look at the word you use, htough! “real” therapist. If you don’t see this woman as anything but a space-filler(a “fake” therapist…), of course u can’t talk to her.

I’m glad she hugged you!!!!!!!! that’s huge!

1:09amKrystle

it was weird but mostly cus she was pregnant and her tummy was hard and poking

1:09amSam

maybe u should try for a non-pregnant hug when she gets back!

1:10amKrystle

maybe..but i’ve got a list of questions

you know..about the birth

specifically..the mucus plugg

1:10amSam

awesome…. what’s the question? and why do u have the question?

1:11amKrystle

i dunno..i think i have questions mostly because it annoys her when i ask her personal questions, and specifically about the mucus plug because for the past 3 months i’ve asked her if she started loosing it

like every session, i’ve brought up her mucus plug, not that i know what it is..but i’m sure its really yucky and gross

1:13amSam

LOL- there’s got to be something to that….

1:13amKrystle

she also said she MIGHT let me see a picture of her kid..i told her i didn’t want to see one until you know..the kid wasn’t looking all gross and slimey

1:13amSam

good call.

does she have a name?

1:13amKrystle

because most babies are pretty ugly the first couple of weeks

she wouldn’t tell me the name..she didn’t tell anyone

except Rob..thats her husbands name

and her parents and his parents

thats all who knows the names

1:16amSam

that must be hard

1:16amKrystle

it is a bit

but i haven’t self harmed

it’ll be a year in January

1:17amSam

that’s great! that’s very, very strong of you, and very selfless (I know u try for her sake, too). When I miss mike, i write to him in a notebook. separate from my journal… it helps me.

1:18amKrystle

yeah..i have a blog..one specifically for my therapist while she is away

1:18amSam

that’s great!

1:18amKrystle

i wish you could get back with Mike

i mean if you love him, and you mean it

atleast one of us was getting some

1:19amSam

I do… and I I realized with him that i ahd NO idea what love was, before. It really is an amazing feeling. i don’t believe it’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but why bother doing it twice? He was a great partner, friend, and LOL- hells yeah. that too.

1:19amKrystle

lol

yep

i aint getting none

and Kristie she has a boyfriend now

1:20amSam

Jason, right?

Justin

1:20amKrystle

Justin

1:20amSam

how is that?

1:20amKrystle

he’s a tattoo artist

i don’t really know, i’ve stopped asking questions

1:20amSam

I saw a picture of him

1:21amKrystle

yeah. he’s not bad looking..but he’s so like gangstah

1:21amSam

Do they have a real relationship now? like, official “boyfriend and girlfriend”?

1:21amKrystle

all tatted up and stuff

yes she is living with him

in idaho, or oregon..or something like that

1:22amSam

yea, i know…. weird. i hope that works out well forher. lol- i thought it was indiana or illinois.

1:22amKrystle

yeah something like that

Indian is it

i don’t really know whats going on

i mean she acts like she’s against all kinds of touching and stuff

but now she’s living with this guy

1:23amSam

i heard about her first trip, but i was SHOCKED when she said she was moving there!

hm.

1:23amKrystle

yes

i just..i was really angry to be honest

i mean she barely knows him

1:24amSam

i’ve found that a lot of guys are very sensitive about it… at least in theory. and if it leads to problems, it’s more about a weird sort of unconscious jealousy OR the symptoms.

Yea… she needed a change of scenery?

1:24amKrystle

but i dunno..they’d been talking for awhile..he has a kid

1:24amSam

!!!!!

?????

1:24amKrystle

yeah..Ethan

thats his kids name

1:25amSam

how old?

1:25amKrystle

he’s looks about 6 or 7

Kristie sent me a picture of him

because they got him a gift because he was good in school that week

1:25amSam

wow. and is his mom in the picture?

1:25amKrystle

i don’t know

1:26amSam

I know how close u and kristie are… this must be very strange for you

1:26amKrystle

honestly..we aren’t that cose

close

i mean we are friends, but she never tells me anything

she tells me she loves me all the time

1:26amSam

she speaks very highly of you…

yeah

1:26amKrystle

and asks me to pray for her about specific things

yeah..

1:27amSam

hm. well, that sounds all very mysterious to me.

1:27amKrystle

yeah

i dunno…i don’t ask her many questions, and i try to support her in whatever she decides

1:28amSam

and she said she would have to be back before christmas, which is even weirder if she nt to be his girlfriend. Whatever the heck that’s all about, I’m sure it will help her grow and be a great experience. so i’m confused, but happy for her.

How’s stuff more locally…. ie, in your house?

1:28amKrystle

well she is moving into her own apartment when she comes back

that what she told me

because her house is really crazy and they maker her crazy

1:29amSam

and YOUR house? how

’s that?

1:29amKrystle

She’s not moving to my house

She is moving to her own place

an apartment she said

1:29amSam

LOL. not my question.

I”m asking about you now, silly!

1:30amKrystle

OH..my house is like it always is

just my mum and me

it’s quiet here

1:30amSam

is she doing better than she was?

1:30amKrystle

sometimes my god daughter comes and spend the weekends and then it’s crazy

honestly Sam, i don’t think she is doing all that well

she gained weight which is great, but i think they minute she lives on her own…she’ll start the ED again

1:32amSam

when would she live on her own?

1:32amKrystle

when she comes back

she said she is moving out of her parents house

1:32amSam

oh…. ED’s are VERY VERY hard to control alone.

1:33amKrystle

yes i know

thats why i know her living a lone won’t be okay..i mean i want it to..but i worry

1:33amSam

(here again, iam referring to mike. i ate NORMALLY around him!i’m having a hard time)

1:33amKrystle

yeah?

i eat normally all the time with my mom

but when she is depressed

and not paying attention

i go days without eating..she doesn’t notice.

1:34amSam

i just notice it more when he’s gone. I think more about food, and have urges to binge that would have been out of the question when he was here. I’ve been good so far, but it’s rough. I’ve never been a faster

can’t do it.

1:35amKrystle

i am a faster..but i also binge too

i used to be really really thin

but my meds..keep me hefty

i have Fibromyalgia

1:35amSam

fibromyalgia? for how long has that been diagnosed?

1:35amKrystle

so i take all sorts of crap for that, plus vitamins cus i have a vitamin d defficience

1:36amSam

what do u take?

1:36amKrystle

gosh..like 13 pills at night..i can’t really name them all

2 muscle relaxers though

vitamins

lexapro, trileptal, something for my bladder

i have an over active bladder

1:37amSam

WOW!!!!!

1:37amKrystle

prozosin

1:37amSam

i can barely take one!

1:37amKrystle

yeah i take like 12 pills every night

i feel like a cancer patient

1:38amSam

prazasin that messed w/ my blood pressure

1:38amKrystle

yeah it’s supposed to

1:38amSam

i started passing out, though

1:38amKrystle

i am using it to help with sleep and nightmares

i have really really good blood pressure

1:39amSam

that’s why they prescribed it for me, but the side effects…. meds affect me more with side effects than what they’re supposed to do!

i hate meds

1:39amKrystle

i see my regular doctor every month, and my psych doctor every month too

yeah i hate meds too..

if i didn’t have to take them..i wouldnt

but a lot of meds make me go manic

1:40amSam

!

that’s no good!

when’s the last time u were manic?

1:40amKrystle

last year i think

last time i was inpatient

i didn’t sleep for 7 days straight

start hallucinating

abilify

thats what started it

Lithium makes me vomit all day

1:41amSam

abilify doesn’t affect anyone i know well

so what are you on?

1:42amKrystle

Lexapro, Trileptal, Prozosin, Klonapin

2 lexapros, 3 trileptals, 3 prozosin, and 2 klonapins

2 flexerils

1 vitamin d

1 over all vitamin

1 bladder pill

1:44amSam

but nothing for mania?

1:44amKrystle

nope

i was on the lithium for that

and it made me vomit

my dr..wanted to minimize my meds

and my OCD behavior got really really bad

1:44amSam

that makes sense…

1:45amKrystle

i have rituals

they take up time

hours sometimes

and my dr wanted to help me with that

because i would get anxiety attacks if i didn’t do it right

1:46amSam

did u try just the lexapro and, just as a prn when u get anxious or obsessive, klonopin?

1:46amKrystle

we’ve done all sorts of mixes

right now i’ve been the best on what i’m on

1:47amSam

I’m so sorry…. rituals and obsessive thinking, what little experience I’ve had with them… they completely take over.

1:47amKrystle

yes they do

1:47amSam

it can make you feelso helpless

1:47amKrystle

a lot of them revolve around my self injury

so we had to minmize it and calm the thoughts

it really helped when i could send my therapist a text when i needed to

1:48amSam

then it really is amazing that you’ve abstained from self-harm for so long!

1:48amKrystle

yes

in January..if i don’t SI, when my therapist gets back..we are going ot have cupcakes

to celibrate

1:49amSam

wow, krystle. I’m really, really impressed. i mean it. i know that things are still very hard, and i’m sure you don’t always feel it, but you’re doing some amazing things.

I think you and i should make practice (lol-not binge…. just happy) brownies or something

1:49amKrystle

lol

i’m down for the happy brownies

if i lived in Salisbury i’d know where to get some

1:50amSam

?

1:50amKrystle

here in Baltimore i work on not making eye contact

i can’t take complete credit, i’ve had help from my therapist

a lot of help

and my mom

she’s been helpful too..mostly at night

1:51amSam

not making contact?

1:51amKrystle

yeah i don’t make eye contact with anyone

well not as of lately

1:52amSam

so they help you make eye contact MORE. i get it.

why do u think you have trouble with it?

1:52amKrystle

i am not sure

i get anxious, and sometimes paranoid

i’ve this thing with eyes

1:53amSam

I have trouble being in front of people because I become aware that they can see me… that they are looking at me. Feeling physically present and looked-at makes me self-conscious. Maybe they’re related?

1:53amKrystle

i guess..i am not sure

i think sometimes for me, its because it’s the only thing about my dad i can really remember

his eyes

and they seem to be the one that abused me and not him

or his body

but his eyes, i always felt like they were watching me, undressing me..etc….

so i guess i just avoid all eyes

1:56amSam

…. I used to look at my grandfather’s eyebrows; he couldn’t tell the difference between my looking at his eyebrows or eyes, and his eyes just made me feel everything much more.

yuck.

1:56amKrystle

yeah…

it is yucky

you know whats really bad

1:56amSam

?

1:56amKrystle

is my dad’s wife..my old mom..she lives like 15 minutes away from me now

she moved up here

1:57amSam

what?? when???

1:57amKrystle

a couple of weeks ago

she moved in with my sister

her real daughter

1:57amSam

right. do you ever see your sister?

1:57amKrystle

i did..all the time

we were finally starting to like bond

1:58amSam

your old mom… she knew, didn’t she

1:58amKrystle

i had finally told her about what her dad did to me

yes she knew

she still won’t admit it

when i am around her i am 7 years old again

1:58amSam

are you staying away from her?

1:58amKrystle

i am trying

she makes me…she makes me want to die

1:59amSam

you need to stay away from her, Krystle

1:59amKrystle

i am trying

i don’t visit my sister anymore

and i don’t get to see my niece or nephew anymore

i missed there birthdays this year because of her

2:00amSam

I believe that you are. are you journaling about your feelings towards her? or talking about it in therapy?

2:00amKrystle

not as of lately

not since my therapist is away…and i mostly try not to think about her if i can help it

she used to lock me in the basement

parts can’t handle taht

the intense fear we have

i keep telling myself i’m not afraid of her anymore

sometimes it works

2:02amSam

that’s horrible… i’m so sorry. Are you angry?

2:02amKrystle

i don’t get angry very often

2:03amSam

me neither….

I’ve always been told that anger and indignation are the best antidotes to fear, though.

2:03amKrystle

yeah

2:03amSam

that’s what Dr. L says….

2:03amKrystle

i guess..i don’t feel much of anything lately

i try not to

2:04amSam

hm… always a good strategy

2:04amKrystle

it’s weird because everyone around me seems to have enough anger about it for me

secretly…

i still have a strong sense of duty and loyalty to her

2:05amSam

:;sigh:: abuse does that

2:05amKrystle

yeah…

she asked to borrow money from me

i couldn’t say no but i never told anyone

2:05amSam

!!!!! when?

2:05amKrystle

the thing is..money is really tight in my family

2:05amSam

recently?

2:06amKrystle

like 6 months ago

my mom would kill me if she even knew i still talked to her

i was walking a thin line with talking to my sister

who is constantly borrowing money or asking to use my car, or dumping her kids on me

2:06amSam

money is really tight in every family!

do u think ur sister uses you?

2:06amKrystle

yes

i know she does

i let her

she thinks that i’m stupid

and that i don’t realize it

she thinks that if she pretends to be my friend

she can continue using me

she uses the right words too

she says things like, well we grew up together, and you know how bad things were, and we have to stick together

2:08amSam

…so maybe it’s a good thing for you to get away from her and her mom? even if you miss your neice and nephew? It sounds like your being around them is like, a way to be loyal, like, “everything is SO OKAY that i can behave normally with these people. Nothing happened.”

2:09amKrystle

yes

thats how it is

everyone pretends like nothing happens

before my old mom moved here i went to her old home

and she had like a freaking shrine of my dad up

2:10amSam

that’s exactly the sort of thing therapy is working against!!! and i don’t know if “trigger” quite captures that last one…

2:10amKrystle

and its not that that bothered me..it was that when he was alive she treated him like crap, she belittled him, and castrated him every chance she got

Krystle

and now she acts like they were so in love and he was her everything

they never even slept in the same bed

EVER..and i lved with them for over 10 years

2:12amSam

wow

that’s some f*ed up people you need NOTHING to do with.

2:12amKrystle

yeah i know

i need to protect myself better

2:13amSam

and i know that emotionally, it can’t be that simple… but i WISH it were!

2:13amKrystle

no it can be pretty simple, i just need to walk away

i really do.

i keep trying to put my family back together because i get so lonely

2:14amSam

no….the worst thing is that you get hurt no matter what, and in the short term, familiarity is less scary, even if it means getting hurt. I’ve found, for myself at least, that I put myself in A LOT of bad situations, because part of me is more comfortable there. it’s how I’ve defined myself– by being in danger, being hurt, and when the danger and hurt is gone, i sometimes hurt myself!

or put myself in a bad situation.

2:14amKrystle

and honestly i feel guilty, like i’m the one who tore it apart, but i know it’s not worth salvaging

2:15amSam

when i realized the pattern, i really flipped on myself. It’s been hard to change (another thing to credit to mike, actually)

YOU did nothing wrong.

2:15amKrystle

i know..i can say those things over and over again..but i let my sister walk all over me because they were her parents and i ruined that for her

i broke her family apart..

2:16amSam

they tore each other apart, and it osunds lke you were the only one who kept them together. by being, like, the famiily scapegoat.

Krystle

yes..thats me the scape goat

the one who is always looked over

stepped on

etc…

but my life now, its different

and i wish they would go away, but for some reason i keep bringing them back

2:18amSam

maybe ur still trying to get it right, like that would fix things?

2:18amKrystle

yeah

i do that..its apart of my OCD

i have to keep trying to get things right

i will do it over and over again, until someone in my head says its good enough

2:18amSam

regardless, you’re an AMAZING person.you got that right a long time ago (it’s cheesy, but true!)

2:19amKrystle

big cheesy grin

oh Sammy J, please don’t go away again..

who will have such intellectual conversations with?

who will use big words and make me look them up online while we are talking so i can understand?

2:20amSam

LOL!

2:20amKrystle

and most of all…who will hand me door stops because they think it’s an egg with a message in it?

2:21amSam

you’ve convinced me.

Dude- i don’t remember any of my most fabulous moments…. apparently…. plus, i was only such a lame-o because i spent all my time with my boyfriend, and i am, alas, boyfriendless, and time-heavy!

2:22amKrystle

YAY..i mean that you will now have time for me..boo for the boyfriendless..and sexless existence you will have now..

2:22amSam

hahahaha- and i never would have guessed that i’d miss THAT part too, but….

2:23amKrystle

lol..hey once you get it regularly..its hard to go back to only getting some every once in awhile

trauma survivors can like sex

2:23amSam

i know! it’s not the same AT ALL

2:23amKrystle

i mean i haven’t gotten there yet..i’m still working on eye contact and you know touch

2:23amSam

are you speaking from experience?

ah

ok

2:23amKrystle

but one of these days i’ll call you and say man i got some and it was the shit

i was screaming to the high heavens…

and i experienced the infamous O

2:25amSam

HAHAHA- it feels great even short of the O!!! and i didn’t believe it, at first, but it takes real attraction to another person. I didn’t feel attraction forever (until mike, i think), so i thought i was gay, or messed up permanently, or i don’t know what

2:25amKrystle

yeah i feel like that lately..like i’m gay or just a sexual or something

2:25amSam

but real mutual attraction can make you feel comfortable, and forget about yourself and just think about them and then OMG SEX IS REALLY AWESOME hahahahaha

2:25amKrystle

hahaha

that kicks all kind of anti-fungal ass

Samsy, you’ve charted new territory..unswam waters..

2:26amSam

yea, i thought that too. i don’t think that’s it. and don’t EVER kick yourself for not being attracted to someone you think you “should be.” that was a big problem for me.

2:27amKrystle

yeah..i mean i don’t really get that attraction thing

but you know me…i’ve got that “to tough” thing going on

2:27amSam

lol- not quite. me and 99% of adults over 25…..

my FB is crapping out on me.

2:28amKrystle

if you have to go..lemme know..lovers -you sammy j, tell your dad to call me

2:29amSam

oh, i know.

oh, i know.

2:30amKrystle

lol…i’m heading to bed. like i said..i love you, and i mean it. and we are going to be okay..i think we should buy a house and all of us crazy chicks should live in it..

2:30amSam

some guy will melt it.

2:30amKrystle

good luck with that

he better have one of those hand torches

2:31amSam

and he’s the only one who will be worth it.

???

2:31amKrystle

i guess so

honestly i’m looking forward to that

to meeting someone that i can say i love and mean it

Krystle

good night lovey!

2:35amSam

LOL- OMG not cool

2:35amKrystle

you just saw the dad thing didnt you?

i can’t help it if your dad is all hot

i’m just saying…i was in the hospital with all girls..and he was the best looking piece of eye candy i had seen in like 4 weeks

 

THE END…we both logged off…

headlights

Headlights

My eyes were glazed over
as I wondered where I was headed
both hands clutching the steering wheel
a herd of deer silhouettes in the field on the left
it’s all a blur
head lights beaming towards me
behind me
the sky is fading from oranges to purples
deep blues, to final grays
it is night.
the time is short, or maybe it is long
I can’t recall what day it is
I can’t recall the time at all
it’s all irrelevant
unless I have to be somewhere
unless someone is counting on me
who is counting on me?
these people move and I don’t know where they go
when they go, they just go
I move in shuffles, trying not to interfere
everyone’s got a life, except me.
or maybe I just don’t remember
I open up my journal and in bold letters
it asks…
Are you grounded?

as you tear your way right through me

i forgive you once again….

do you think it is weird that when i think about my dad, i think about him in a romantic sense, or that i’ve never thought of him as a real father figure, but more like a lover, even when i was a kid, before i knew what it meant to have a lover, i knew that he was more than just my dad. i’ve been trying not to write about this, because dr s is away, and i couldn’t possibly talk about this stuff with Lora, i don’t want to talk about this stuff with Lora. so i’ve been tucking it away, but my chest has been throbbing and my anxiety level is high, i can’t contain it, so i turn to the pages on this laptop, and i listen to calm music and i pour my heart out through these fingertips of mine, because well it’s all i’ve got at the moment and it’ll just have to be enough. i’ve been dreaming of my dad a lot lately. i miss him, and i hate him, and i want him, and i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. i can’t describe the anger i feel for him, but then there is this little tiny part of me that wants him. that needs him, that wants him to love me back, to be proud of me and tell me i’ve done a good job once more. i need to please him. i know it is sick, i am sick. but it is familiar to me, and for so long it is all i knew and though the winds have changed, and i am not a little girl anymore, i can’t help but to wallow in that time, because i remember how it felt, and i remember how he made me feel loved, even as he was abusing me. he had a way of doing that.

so here i am, trying to understand what happened, trying to handle these feelings that strangle me, and me ever forgiving. forgiving of the damage that i try to hide, not so good at it though.  what have you done to me? created a victim, so submissive, eager to please, committed to being ever broken, forgive me. i continuously apologize for sins committed against me, i’m so confused.

Last night i dreamt of nothing but my dad. i couldn’t find peace, i was restless. Maybe it had something to do with my conversation with “T,” but i became so restless and once sleep finally did find me, peace did not. you see i am one of those kind of persons who thinks and thinks and thinks, not ever really doing anything because the thought of doing it frightens me to smithereens. and so last night after i ate a bowl of honey nut Cheerios (it lowers your cholesterol, you know?), i decided that tonight was a night to sleep with my mum, so of course i grabbed all my belongings rolling them up in a ball, that is two pillows, and two fleece blankets, Lylac my bunny with the beads in her feet, and my Ipod that i can’t seem to sleep without, and i marched down the hall into my mom’s room. It’s a pattern we have, without even speaking and barely waking up, my mom moves over and i proceed to arrange and rearrange my shit until it suits me, i  climb in bed, i shuffle a bit, i climb out of bed. usually i go grab a snack, or a drink of water. i climb back in bed. i shuffle through the tv, i can’t sleep with it on, the tv flickers and creates shadows and the shadows frighten me. i shake my mom and ask her can i turn the tv off. She tells me no, because she’s watching it…obviously. We set the tv on a timer, i lay and flop around a bit, i finally put my head phones on and try to drown out my own thoughts, my own memories. When i drift off to sleep, thats when the hell begins.

who knew hell could end up being in a little room covered in pink? pink is a color i’ve hated most of my life. not just because when i was a little girl my walls, and my bed sheets, and my curtains were all pink, of course that is overwhelming for anyone. But because after my dad fucked me i remember the water in the bath tub would always turn pink. i cursed God for making me into a girl, i somehow thought had i been a boy things wouldn’t of happened, but with therapy, and much thought, i realized boy or girl, shit would have happened anyhow.

do you know what its like to be 5 and be told the one thing you are really good at is stealing and giving blow jobs? children need praise. they need to be told they are good, and special. they need it. my parents praised me in different ways, both were totally fucked up, but in separate worlds. for my dad everything was sexual. from the time i could remember, everything was sexual. before i even knew what sex was, before i knew the names of the things i was doing, the things he praised me for doing, it was all just sex. it was easier for me not knowing what i was doing, it was easier because i didn’t feel ashamed, or dirty or guilty. it was all so, so normal for me. My mom praised me for not doing anything at all. For being invisible. its hard to explain it, but she strongly believe that all children should be seen and not heard, and it was even better if they could be not seen or heard. i was good at making myself invisible, it was a task i practice on a regular basis, at one point i had convinced myself that i had a super power, and that i could really make myself invisible. My mom hated me, everything about me, i am not sure why, but i think it had something to do with my biological mother, or maybe it had something to do with the fact that her husband had lost interest in her and was now attracted to little girls..i’m not a mind reader or anything like that, but i guess that would make me pretty mad too.

now days i am feeling pretty fucking stupid when i look back on things and realize all the things that i did, and all the things that were done to me, and how could i have even believed in the slightest that it was okay? and how can i believe even sometimes now that it was okay? And how can i believe that it was all my fault?
i’m very tired of this, the thought pattern, the pain, the memories. i wish i could just vomit it all out of my system. you know, just get it the fuck out, so that i can find some rest, some peace. Lately i’ve been questioning if this shit ever ends, because well, frankly every other survivor i know older and younger have been questioning it too. That even with therapy, and meds, and a whole lot of other shit, that in the end the pain is still there, it still just fucking hurts.

I have gone 10 months with out self harming, and i couldn’t tell you how i did it. i guess you could say one day at a time, or one step at a time, but the truth of the matter is i think if i start self harming again, i will kill myself, and i’ve found too many people in my life that i value and i would never want to ever hurt like that. So i will keep living, if not for me, then for them, even if this life is so hard.

i have more memories, but i can’t get into it, not now and intend on keeping my safety. i just, i just need to go for now.

k

and i’ll confess….

And I’ll confess
That I can be a little selfish
Yeah I’ll admit
I don’t want you to help me through this
I don’t want to start over again
…..

people keep asking me how i am doing, how the fuck do you think i am doing? the one person i think that understands me is going to be gone for 2 months. i won’t be able to see her or talk to her, and all i have of her is a voice message, and a name plate that i sleep with its not very comfortable to sleep with. i know i shouldn’t be making such a big deal out of this, and i’m trying really hard not to, but it’s hard. i’ll confess i can be a little selfish. i want her back. i don’t want a substitute, i don’t want people to feel sorry for me, or to pretend like they understand, because i don’t think anyone really does. she’s not just my therapist, she’s my life line. without her all i have is a bunch of long distance relationships, and a mom who now won’t get out of her own bed. don’t get me wrong i love my mom, and yes i know none of you were questioning that, i’m just very defensive about her, because i don’t think people understand our relationship, and i don’t want anyone to think she is neglecting me or something. i’m an adult, mostly. its just that it is her and dr s, that is all i have here, close to me. I have other people who love me, who care about me, there is no doubt about it. but my mom and dr s are my main support group. And now there is no dr s, and we all know how much i can depend on my mom these days. dr s was more than just my therapist, more than just a therapist, maybe to her i am just another client, maybe i’m just another patient, and at the end of the day she takes my folder and stores it in a cabinet and she shakes it off and goes home to her husband and pretends that she hasn’t spent the whole day hearing horrific traumatizing stories about how humans are hurting other humans, i think it would definitely make me loose my faith in the human race, and maybe even God. how she does it day after day, night after night, i’ll never know, but the bottom line is whether she thinks of me when she leaves her office is none of my business, but that i think of her when i leave, because well, she is one of my only connections to the outside world, she is my one sense of normalcy, honesty and truth. when i am in her office i feel safe, i feel normal. i feel important, special. she doesn’t treat me like i am defective, like i am broken, like i am damaged goods. she doesn’t treat me like i’m crazy, even when we switch, when we are mean, when we are stubborn we we act like we are defective, damaged, or broken, she is consistent, she is honest. she is there, and maybe you don’t understand how important something small like that can be for someone like me. But growing up the way i did, it was hard to trust any adult, adults lie, adults break you, they hurt you. But not her, she’s the one exception, the one person i can trust to do what they say they will do. i trust her to be in her office during our session time, i trust that she will help me get better. and maybe she’ll never love me, but she likes me, and she cares about me. And so when you ask me how i am doing, not being able to see her when i have been seeing her the same time, three times a week for the past 3 years, well how do you think i feel? how would you feel? i feel devastated, i feel like i’ve lost something. i don’t know what, i should be used to it. And like i said i’m trying not to make a big deal out of it, because i’m not stranger to loss, but it’s kind of a big deal for me. And i am dealing and coping with it the best way i know how. And i know that in two months she’ll be back, so atleast it’s not forever. Its just for now, and i’ve never been one to live in the present. i dunno, i’m tired, very much so and my knees hurt, and my body hurts. Kammy keeps trying to snuggle with me, but it hurts to be touched.

always,
k

untouchable

i miss deb. i’ve been listen to her voice message over and over again. i don’t know why. she doesn’t really have that much of a soothing voice. but i’m not listening to it for soothing exactly, maybe for control, for familiarity. i miss her, and it hasn’t even been a week. i want to cut, right now. but there is not reason to. besides that her voice is in my head. whenever i think about it, i hear her voice saying “krystle, don’t.” and then i can’t. i don’t know why i can’t. i just can’t. and i just miss her. i am worried about her. i’ve started plucking my eyebrows again, and plucking other hair. and the other ritualistic behavior has been pressing behind my eyes. i am scared, i am worried. what if i am not strong enough. i want to be stong enough and make her proud of me. when she comes back i want her to say Krystle i’m proud of you, i want her to hug me and say i knew you could do it. but i worry i can’t. i worry when she comes back i’ll be delirious or something.

some of my littles have been going to my mom and asking for deb, and she just tells them to listen to the voice message she left us. it’s upsetting for them, they don’t completely understand. so its hard. but i understand and i know she will be back, its just that, its so lonely without her, so lost and quiet. who will i tell all my secrets to. who will i ask advice from.

i’m tired my meds are finally kicking in.

baby fever?

Its weird trying to keep up with two journals. I have one that is specifically for my therapist who is on maternity leave for the next two months, and i have this one that i use to blow of steam or to just right things and thoughts down. But by the end of the i am so exhausted all i can do is post something quickly.

i mean there are very interesting, deep things i need to say, i should be saying, but instead i am fighting to keep my eyes open. my mom keeps smiling. she wants me to have a baby. having kammy around makes her get baby fever. i can’t lie, i enjoy having her here with me too. don’t tell anyone but i’ve wanted to be a mother since i was about 11. I don’t know why, but i have. of course there is damage inside of me that i have to deal with that cold prevent that from happening. but i trust my body, i think it is powerful and strong and it has healed and when i’m ready to have a kid my body will be ready too.  i hope. and if not, i believe htere is nothing wrong with adoption. im adopted and my mom and i are a perfect match even when we argue.

anyhow i won’t write much more, being a mom even for a couple of days exhausts me sometimes. i just sleep and sleep.

love,
k

break down.

please just let me break down…

 

before knowing remembers

memory believes before knowing remembers. believes longer than recollects, longer than knowing even wonders.
William Faulkner

i cannot sleep, well thats a lie, i think i could sleep if i just laid down and tried. it’s going on nearly 3 in the in the morning, and my head is reeling and spinning with emotions and thoughts. i am having a lot of memories from the past, fear and anxiety from the present. i don’t know where to start. i didn’t think my god father dying would have the kind of effect that it had on me. i didn’t think that i would even cry but i did. i cried in therapy i still am very uncomfortable with that so i had to hide my face in my jacket while i cried so much i started to hiccup and my nose was snotty and my head started throbbing. i managed to get myself under control and self soothe myself. but i still felt pretty sad.

having good memories of my god father has seemed to open a window to more bad memories of my dad. i assume they were around the same age. i used to wonder why my god father never did the same bad things my dad did. when i was small for a long time i thought that what my dad did was a normal thing. my parents didn’t really let my spend the night at other peoples houses. i don’t know why, but i have some suspicions. the abuse has been apart of my life for as long as i can remember. maybe i want to get into graphic detail about it tonight, or maybe i should save this and finish it later.

But what can i say, what should i say?  It’s now 3, i just lost about 15 minutes i have no idea what i was doing. maybe i was sitting here staring at the words. maybe i was in a flash back. i don’t know.  there goes another 10 minutes, just gone. maybe i’m drifting off to sleep. maybe i should hang up my typing hands.

but i’m angry right now. maybe i’m angry because i’m tired. maybe i’m angry because i’m just angry. Angry that he is dead and i am alive, he doesn’t have to think about any of this stuff. he doesn’t have to lose time, take meds, see a therapist, cry. all i do lately is cry. i smile like i’m fine but i’m not. i am trying to be okay, but its not working so well. i can’t do this right now. i can’t write about this, because well, it won’t solve nothing. it won’t take away the pain. i should just go sleep with my mom.

can’t sleep

no surprise here, i can’t sleep, i don’t usually sleep much anyhow but tonight i’m disturbed by the not sleeping. i had a very exhausting day, i took my muscle relaxers that usually put me out. but right now i am thinking of working on some art, its nearing 3 am, and here i am listening to some music thinking about doing some art. i’m feeling really sad again. the sadness i felt yesterday, the sadness i felt earlier today. just sad. i don’t know what to do about it. i don’t know how to make it go away. all i know is it’s here and i want it to be gone.

i saw Dr. S today, i was really sad about seeing her, i almost didn’t go, but then i thought how stupid it would be to not show up, and how disapointed i would be after the fact, so i went. the good thing about our session is that it wasn’t like a good bye session. Not like my last session with Kathy, when her office was empty except her desk and chair and some fold out chairs. Dr S’s office didn’t say, i’m never coming back. It just said i’m going to be away for awhile, but i’ll be back, i promise, okay kiddo? still i’m sad. who will i trust with my secrets. Dr S suggested that i write her notes while she is away, or at least write in a journal or something while she is away, and she will read it when she comes back. i don’t know why this feels so much like an abandonment to me. It’s not at all like that, but it still feels like that inside. So i am loosing sleep, so i am crying when i have a chance. i am just so afraid.

okay well thats all for now….

whatcha say?

this might possible be my favorite song..the original is by this Jason Derulo person, but i love this chick MUCH MUCH better…oh and the hook is originally by my love Imogen Heap…..

Lately i’ve been into my music these days. i love music and its a terrible shame i can’t sing or dance, or have any rhythm in that since of matter..i wish i did but some of aren’t that blessed..anyhow here it is:

 

that its all for the best…of course it is…

love,
krys

listening to: whatcha say?
eating: nothing
drinking: nothing
mood: artsy...